it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
