Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
