For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
