im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Actions speak louder than pants.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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