I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
