Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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