our cab driver is having phone sex.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
