If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
