Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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