dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
