he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Randomize
