She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
