I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
