Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
