I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
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