Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
