Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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