R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
