I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
