I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
