Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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