you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
