So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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