he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
two words: eviction party
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
