I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just had sex on a roof
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
