so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
