Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The feeling are messing with the penis
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
