I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
