He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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