question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
