friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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