My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
