i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
