True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
