You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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