I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Oh god it's open bar.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
