I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
