She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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