I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
we're making bets on your personal life
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
