Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
