1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
