Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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