he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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