too bad you live with your parents still
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
