you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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