Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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