There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
