Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
