he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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