how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
