Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
